EPISODE 7: CARL PALAD

Interview by Idine Mousavi
Photograph by Nadiv Hossain

January 5, 2020

A shockwave of pain erupted through my body as I turned my head in my hospital bed. I looked out the window at the flowering trees – it was spring, and the end of my first year of medical school. My family sat in front of me as I struggled to find words to explain what I felt. Nothing came out. What could I say to explain the guilt and overwhelming anxiety that had built up over the past year?
 
The day prior, I had woken up with a complete sense of emotional and physical numbness. I drove myself to the emergency room out of fear, feeling completely out of control of my mind and body. I called my girlfriend, told her I loved her, and got in my car. I had no idea I would be rushed to surgery for a condition I was completely unaware of. I had decided to go to the hospital because of how quickly my mental health deteriorated, but I was shocked at just how bad my physical health had become.
 
Following surgery, I was admitted into a short-term psychiatric facility to address my mental health and gain greater control over myself. I was astonished by the kind of people that were there with me: accomplished physicians, Ivy league graduates, all seemingly “well-adjusted” people. It was the first time in my life I had been able to speak without judgment about what I had been going through. I spoke about medical school, and how amazing I thought that experience was, but how my own reactions to stress plunged me further down an increasingly dark road. I spoke about how I had turned to alcohol to cope, and my inability to be vulnerable with my parents. In group therapy, I shared each embarrassment, each moment of suffering, each moment where I felt I had failed.
 
After a short while, I was discharged and started a longer-term rehabilitation program to develop the skills to speak openly about what I had experienced. It may have seemed trivial to others, but gaining this ability was so freeing and therapeutic that I didn’t give a damn about being judged anymore. Through the relationships I formed at that program, and in my own self-work, I established as someone who values empathy, vulnerability, and connections with others in order to improve the environment we live in. The plaque from the program’s graduation still hangs on my wall, serving as a reminder of the work I’ve done and my connections with others. The gratitude I felt in having the time to create that sense of self drives me forward to this day.
 
In many ways, that summer was a blessing in disguise.
 
I was able to connect and grow closer with my family in a completely new way, without any of the guilt that had prevented me from being vulnerable with them in the past. I had also experienced first-hand what it meant to be a patient and witnessed some of the blatant issues in our healthcare system. From these experiences, I grew clearer about what kind of physician I wanted to be, and more importantly what kind of person I wanted to be. After a year spent working odd jobs, I came back to NYMC with a renewed sense of determination, a stronger identity, and a broader sense of what I wanted to do with my time. These six months shaped my identify more than any past experience and solidified my path to medicine.
 
We all have cracks in our lives, things we want to hide and cover up. We often think of ourselves as uninteresting and that our stories aren’t worth being told. I’ve learned that everyone has their own story and that is something that they alone can share. Our stories are beautiful in themselves, but the solidarity, empathy, and connection we find in sharing those stories is what gives meaning to so much of life. As I go throughout my life, I want to hold these ideas close to my heart and listen to others as best as I can. I hope, as a doctor, I’ll work to show the same kind of empathy and openness to others that so many wonderful people in my life have gifted me.

What are your 5 Most Recently Played Artists on Spotify? 
Kendrick Lamar, Elton John, Mitski, Frank Ocean, A Tribe Called Quest
 
What is something you want to bring into 2020?
Continue to practice mindfulness, self-confidence, and definitely go easy on the pizza this year

Pick something or someone from NYMC to give a shout-out to!
Javi and the Muggles; Will and Kate Eddy; Cully the Labradoodle

If someone wants to talk to you, they should lead with: 
I welcome hugs, smiles, greetings of any variety!