Episode 37: Kamilah Evans

November 17, 2018

I had big goals for this summer. I had an internship at the psych ER, I started the Medical Research concentration online, I planned to travel, and take my blog to the next level– I was going to do it all. I learned a lot during the Sidney Frank Fellowship. Working with patients to get their social and life history made me realize how concrete and transformative your past life could affect your present. For these patients, sometimes, it was their last call out for help. For me, it was just the beginning of my mental and health journey.

First year of medical school was a struggle for me. Moving from Los Angeles into a new city I had only a couple of goals- survive in NY and pass my first year of medical school. That happened (yay), but a lot of other things took a backseat. I didn’t realize I was stressed because I was passing my classes and felt fine. But this “functional stress” shut my body down. I gained a lot of weight and developed a mild case of IBS. I couldn’t use the bathroom on my own and I had to get medicine just to do the basics for 8+ months. I hit a number on the scale that shook me and sent me into a reality I never wanted for myself. I completely let myself go.

I was confused with how much it was taking a toll on me. I have been through so much in my life, so how is a number on a scale the only thing that has actually sent me into depression? I still don’t know if I would call it depression, anxiety, or something else, but everything that I had planned for the summer came to a huge halt. I didn’t leave my room unless I had to, and I put on a great performance in public, but in private I was suffering. I almost canceled my trip to visit my brother in Europe because of it, but I still went. He could tell something was wrong. In the past, I sought out adventures when I traveled and loved connecting with new people, but instead I felt like I was hiding from the world, insecure to go out in public. I didn’t understand why it was hurting so much but after opening up to him I realized it had to do with my past and our parents.

Both of my parents were physicians so we grew up and lived in the neighborhood that most black doctors and lawyers lived in LA- Ladera Heights. I was surrounded by the best of the best. The ones who “made it out” was a common theme growing up in LA. Life seemed perfect, like a fairytale. Then one day everything changed. My dad moved to Texas suddenly when I was 7 with no explanation, leaving my mom to raise my twin brother and me. I didn’t understand why he moved out until I was older.

My mom was a superhuman. She would wake up every morning at 5am, work out, cook breakfast for us, make sure we had everything we needed while being a full-time physician raising twins by herself. My dad would come visit every now and then. When I was 9 years old, my mother went to the hospital for a surgery and when she came back, I could tell something was different. She was less energetic than she normally was, limping around the house, I could feel something was not right. She told my brother and I she was going back to the hospital for a check-up and would be back soon. That was on Christmas. She never came back. We didn’t see our mom for months, and we had no idea that she was dying in the hospital from a gastric bypass surgery.

Almost a year had gone by and before I turned 10 my dad realized we had been by ourselves for almost a year. Family would fly in to take care of us for weeks at a time, but my mom was not getting any better. It was time for something more permanent, so we moved to Texas to live with my dad until my mom got better. When we moved, I thought of it as more of a field trip. I fully intended on returning to LA and to my normal life. Two weeks after moving to Texas, my dad took us back to California to visit mom for her birthday. I was so excited to come back and see my mom and all my old friends. My dad seemed distracted and didn’t share my enthusiasm. When our airplane landed, his phone has about 50 missed calls and multiple text messages to get to the hospital as soon as possible. When we got there, it was too late. While we were on the plane my mom passed away, January 24th, the day before her birthday.

My world turned upside down. I didn’t go to school for months. I was so sick and heart-broken I would be sent home from school almost every day because I would hide myself in the bathroom and throw up. My brother and I were having a tough time adjusting to our new lives living with my dad and “uncle”. I hated Texas. I dealt with racism and other issues at school. All I wanted to do was move back to LA.

Things got worse when I started to connect the dots with why my dad suddenly left. I realized that my dad was actually living a separate life and, we found out my dad was gay. His husband happened to be a man who I grew up knowing as my “uncle” Ken. I felt betrayed by my dad and uncle Ken. I held resentment and felt like my dad left his family to move on and start over. I went from being angry, to eventually accepting what had happened. Luckily, things with Ken and I are great now. I have spoken to Ken about it many times, but my dad still hasn’t spoken about any of this to me. That tells me how difficult this must have been for him.

Although things have been getting better with healing with my dads, trying to understand how my mom felt is still hurtful and confusing. She must have been so hurt, and something must have triggered her to undergo such a dangerous procedure. She was a doctor, so she must have known the risks, but she still felt the need to do it, to be thinner. Since I was so young when my mom passed away, I learn about her through her friends and family. I don’t want to say that’s why she elected to get the surgery, but my mom never really recovered from that moment on.

This summer I realized that scale was a trigger. I had a moment where I thought I would end up like my mom, and that scared me. It took me 3 months of feeling lost, confused, and frustrated to realize that I was at a point where I was ready to change my life style. I didn’t want my challenge or any situation controlling my life. I want to have enough security in myself and enough will power to control this now. I changed my diet and lifestyle and I am happy with the progress I have made (15 lbs down yay!). Most importantly, I learned that I have to be honest with myself. If I am honest with myself and set realistic goals, I can make the changes I want in my life.

This journey just started for me- I vowed to sign myself up for therapy before the year ends. I am working on my relationship with my dad and starting to understand his perspective. I can’t begin to image how he felt, especially growing up as a black man in the hood, where being gay wasn’t really allowed. I realize how trauma and honesty are really big themes in my life right now.

You have to allow yourself to be honest. No matter how scary it gets, you have to be true to yourself and push through. To be able to do something that I though was impossible is a huge thing. Getting through this challenge has made me stronger and better equipped to handle future challenges, as well as my future patients. It also reminds me to take a step back and try to understand people better before judging them for their actions. No matter how small. No matter the comparison. Negative reactions by people are likely due to certain triggers, and more than likely, they have some healing to do.

What are your 5 Most Recently Played Artists on Spotify?
Beyonce, Kendrick Lamar, Anita Baker, Luther Vandross, Frank Ocean.

If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?
To extend time, I love life so much. I would love to live in it forever.

Pick something or someone from NYMC to give a shout out to!
Shout out to Katya and Sean who I did the ER psych internship with, we had the best time ever and I miss our crazy antics around the ER. Also shout out to my study besties Chelsea and Miguel.

If someone wanted to talk to you, they should lead with…
I am literally an open book and super approachable, you can lead with anything…….except “I visited LA before and I hated it”.