Episode 33: Kevin Hill

October 31, 2018

It’s amazing to me how adult sea turtles return to the beach where they were hatched. It’s pretty cool that they somehow know exactly where to come back to, knowing instinctively which beach to return to, decades later, to lay their own eggs. While studying abroad in Oaxaca, Mexico, this ecotourism guy on a beach offered my friend and I the opportunity to carry some baby sea turtles down the beach in exchange for a few dollars. We agreed without hesitation and walked up the beach to where there was a table with just a large plastic Tupperware on top. I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting, but when the man lifted the lid to a dogpile of baby turtles climbing over each other, it was probably the most adorable moment of my life. The man handed us each a half coconut and he put a baby turtle inside, with its little claws and head peaking over the shell.

As we grew closer to the water line, my infatuation was interrupted by the crashing waves. This part of the state was known for its surf and unfortunately, its prime mating territory for sea turtle populations. After hesitating for a moment, thinking through my other options and with his eyes still fixed on mine, as if he could see what was troubling me, we both knew what needed to be done. I ran. Jk, that’d be messed up. I put the coconuts down and the turtle waddled out. It didn’t take him more than a moment for him to instinctively know to go down to the waves. As he waddled down towards the water, approaching the 5-foot crashing waves, I felt nervous for him. Just as they had finally reached the water line, avoiding seagulls and other predators lurking above, the first wave came in, washing them all 20 meters back up the beach.

I expected some amount of recovery time, a moment to evaluate and reconsider, but nope, he shook himself off, held his head up high, and waddled right back down the beach. It took him a while to finally get back to where he had been, when another wave washed him back up the beach, again. This must’ve happened three or four times before he finally got his timing right, making it past the breaking point and disappearing into the swells. I like to imagine him diving down as deep as he could, twisting and turning, slipping and sliding into his new aquatic home. I’ve often thought back to this, realizing how cool it is that the turtles immediately knew to go right back down to the water. They didn’t hesitate by the fact that they were just washed all the way back up shore. You’ve got to admire their relentless ambition.

I was a substitute teacher during my gap year, and often times found myself feeling, unsurprisingly, unprepared. The qualifications to become a sub in California are abysmally low, just a very basic test or average SAT scores, combined with a brief phone interview, and they hand you the keys to any K-12 classroom. It was chaos. Whether it was kinders running around with sharpened pencils, middle schoolers harping on insecurities I didn’t even know I had, or high schoolers that couldn’t be bothered when I told them they can’t use an iron to straighten their hair during 5th period even though “she has a date”, I was always being challenged. It took some time for me to realize it, but this was the best thing I could have done during my gap year.

Lower income districts were always a struggle to teach in. One of the biggest problems was the incredibly high teacher turnover rate. When these kids are constantly receiving subs, their education process became extremely transient, often lacking any sort of curriculum continuity. Even with the full-time teachers, there weren’t really that many veterans who commanded authority and could lay down the law. No one’s at the schools long enough to have that kind of reputation, so the kids feel like they don’t have to answer to anyone. I definitely feel like I made more of a difference in these schools. It was much harder to get my students engaged, especially in things they didn’t understand, but whenever I was able to hype a kid up over fractions and get that “aha” moment, I found that super meaningful.

Language barriers were one of the hardest obstacles I had to overcome. The districts I usually subbed in had a very high proportion of Spanish speakers, and often kids had only been in the US for less than a year. I distinctly remember one day subbing in a 7th grade classroom handing out a spelling test. This girl’s friend handed her friend’s test back to me, and told me her friend doesn’t speak English, she can’t take the test. Instead of letting this girl feel like a failure or that the language barrier was an obstacle to her own success, I grabbed a Chromebook from the classroom and set her up with Duolingo instead. She did it, and really seemed to like it. It’s not much, but I think I helped that student learn something that day.

When I think about challenges like these or doing things that scare me in life, sometimes I think back to these turtles. Their method for doing things is such a great model for our own behavior. They instinctively knew where to go as soon as I put them down. I had this vision of them chilling on the beach for a little, enjoying the nice sand, but knowing the water is where they belong, where they will thrive, even though the waves get in their way. I try to think about this when thinking about anxiety provoking events, or things that just make me feel uncomfortable, scared for impending hurdles and unsure of how to tackle them. My turtle had no idea what was to become of him, with good reason as his chances of living to adulthood are near 1%. But what did he do? He persisted. As a kid and teenager, feelings that I didn’t fit in, that I was somehow different infected my thoughts regularly. From ignorant comments made by friends and teammates, I consented to the idea that being gay is synonymous with being less-than. Unlike this turtle, during adolescence, I neglected to try and conquer my own waves of internalized doubt and homophobia. I skipped along the beach, denying myself the pleasure of enjoying my authentic self. While my prances and dances on the sand were entertaining for a while, I began to feel more and more like a turtle out of water. Once I realized this and grew the courage to turn and face the waves, I was haunted by the idea that things would never be the same and that I couldn’t go back to my safety net of false identities and non-disclosure. I was knocked on my ass by more waves while mustering up the courage to accept myself. But the feeling of making it past the breaking point, dipping my head down in the water and wagging my tail as I dove down deep into my new environment was incredible. I felt at peace, at home, and in a sea free from self-loathing. And while the water may present new obstacles to tackle, it’s comforting to peak my head out and gaze back onto the sand to admire how far I’ve come. We’re always going to feel like we’re being challenged by various waves in life, and we’re often going to end up thrown on our asses, but you’ve gotta put your head down, go right back to the waves challenging you, because you’re getting closer and closer to where you need to be.

What are your 5 Most Recently Played Artists on Spotify?
Magic Man, Luis Fonsi, Mat Kearny, Danny Ocean, Rihanna

If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?:
Being able to have the answer to questions like “I wonder how many people in the world have had this thought that I’m thinking of” or “I wonder what percentage of people have dreams that are similar to mine”. Just being able to ask any unique question and having the answer to it in my mind.

Pick something or someone from NYMC go give out a shout of to!:
Much love to the 2017 and 2018 C/O 2021 Powderpuff cheer squad. You don’t see that kind of passion, form, or booty too much these days.

If someone wanted to talk to you, they should lead with…
Kevin, I learned this new dance move for us to do at Whisky Creek together!