EPISODE 17: MADI KASOFF

Interview by Tiffany Dial

April 19, 2020

My mom’s dad is my only living grandparent and the only one I’ve ever known. He moved to Florida before I was born, so I really didn’t have much of a relationship with him when I was younger. I don’t even remember him visiting my family in California. We used to go to Florida usually around Father’s Day or his birthday every year (and go to Disney World which is the only reason I remember those trips as a child).
 
When I went away for college, I used to fly to Florida every winter and summer break to see him. With time we noticed that things were changing. At first, it was really small things like his hearing sucked and he refused to wear hearing aids. All his friends around his age were also passing away, and I think he stopped having that social interaction which was difficult for him. So, I moved him permanently to California to live with me, my mom, and my two brothers. In the beginning, things were kind of fine. He was able to take care of himself for the most part, and we could leave him home alone. In the summer between my junior and senior year, he started to need more help, so we got someone to take care of him part time.
 
During my gap year, I decided to stay in California knowing it would be the last year I could spend that much time with him before going off to school. By that time, his memory had definitely gotten worse. He couldn’t remember our names or find the words for what he wanted to say. I worked full time as a scribe and then came home to my second job which was being my grandpa’s caregiver. It’s kind of weird – you don’t ever want to think about taking care of a loved one as a job, but sometimes it’s the only way to be able to go through that experience. I had to create some type of barrier to be able to cope with what was going on. Because when I think about it at face value, my grandpa doesn’t remember me and that sucks. He will never magically be cured of this, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
 
Living with someone with dementia and taking care of them every day, you really get an intimate understanding of how a person’s life gradually changes because of a condition. I think anyone who has ever taken care of someone that has a lot of demands, either physical or emotional, knows it’s a very draining experience. I would be exhausted every night. Some days I could handle it, but other days would be so overwhelming. I constantly worry about whether he’s happy and whether he wants to live this way. I know he had plans to enjoy his life, so I wonder if he really wants to be sitting looking at the TV all day.
 
Through that time, I definitely learned how to take care of myself. Initially, I was just going through the motions and doing the things I thought were good for me. I started to realize my mood wasn’t great, and I knew I had to do something to take care of that. If I wanted my grandpa to have a good experience and be happy at home, I had to be happy too.
 
It’s easy to fall into binge watching Netflix, but I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything. So next, I read every book in my house. Then I realized, I wanted to find a way to engage with my grandpa while also having fun and recharging. So, I got him to sit outside with me and get some fresh air. I wouldn’t use my phone. Instead, I would just appreciate the wind and the sounds of the outdoors with him. While he napped, I did things for myself like walking the dog or meditating. I learned to do at home exercises which I had never done before (it’s always been elliptical or bust for me). I took up Pilates and yoga. I found once I started doing those things that I felt recharged in such a different way. I also love to bake, so I baked a lot of pastries. I would work on new frosting or piping techniques, and grandpa loved both watching me bake and eating my pastries after.
 
We’re much closer now from all the time that we spent together. My family jokes that I’m his favorite. There’s a huge portrait of me from my bat mitzvah in our family room that he used to stare at all the time. Whenever I was away and my family would Facetime me, his eyes would light up and he would always tell me I’ve never looked better in my life. Sometimes he has a moment of clarity where he looks me in the eyes and says, “I love you.” I’ve given so much of myself and my time to take care of him, and to have him tell me he loves me – it energized me and kept me going through all the days that were overwhelming.
 
We moved my grandpa to a memory care facility a few months ago. People ask me how he’s doing, but the truth is difficult and sad, so I just say he’s doing well. I still worry about him constantly, but that’s out of my control. He was always intent on me doing something big, on pursuing a higher education. He’ll never know my name again or that I’m in medical school, but it feels good to know that I’m doing something that he’d be proud of.

What are your 5 Most Recently Played Artists on Spotify? 
Ben Platt, Whitney Houston, Adele, Maggie Rogers, and Vampire Weekend

If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?
I would choose the ability to communicate with dogs and babies. I always want to know what’s going on in their little minds, and I think if we could communicate with them, we’d have a greater understanding of the universe.

Pick something or someone from NYMC to give a shout-out to!
Shout out to everyone in the library who takes a moment from whatever they’re doing to smile at me.

If someone wants to talk to you, they should lead with: 
Pictures of their dog. If you don’t have a dog or like dogs, I still want to talk to you! Tell me about something you’re looking forward to this week.