episode 21: nicole guevara montes

Interview by Anna Williams

May 17, 2020

I’m super emotional and always have been. I could be watching a movie and I’ll tear up from the tone of someone’s voice. Sometimes in college when I went to office hours, coming face to face with the professor, I would envision the stress of the course. Talking to them would make me feel so overwhelmed that I would cry. One professor told me, “I get that you’re crying because you’re frustrated, but how are you going to be a doctor? You can’t just start crying in front of people.” I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but now I get it. He didn’t mean it in a bad way; he just wanted to make sure I was going to be strong for my patients.
 
Yes, I have to be strong for them and strong for myself; I don’t want to take all of their emotions on. It can be easy to pick up the heaviness of a day and only focus on that, but that becomes exhausting. When I worked as an after-school teaching assistant, I realized I was taking my day home with me: kids who weren’t listening or whatever it was. As a doctor, though, I want to cry with the patients who are crying and rejoice with those who are rejoicing. For me, it’s about finding balance. I don’t want my emotions to control me, but I want to allow myself to feel them when it’s necessary.
 
When I started my application cycle, I applied to a lot of schools in Florida and only a few out-of-state. At that point, I had lived in Florida for twenty years; it was home ever since we moved from Puerto Rico, where I was born. Everything is in Florida: my family, my best friends, my church, my support group, and my comfort zone. I didn’t think I’d leave until residency. But after interviewing, NYMC felt like the best fit and I started seeing the pros of moving away. There’s an unparalleled growth that happens outside of comfort zones, as well as an opportunity to contribute to a new community. So, I headed to NYMC in my jam-packed Honda with the expectation that I would soon be well-adjusted to my new life.
 
But my life flip flopped. I had never had roommates, I had to start cooking for myself, and it certainly didn’t seem like home. Two weeks after moving in, I was just crying. At that point, my emotions were so high and, as dramatic as it sounds, all I wanted was a hug from someone who loves me. I called one of my best friends and she said, “Nicole, you have to remember that with change, comes loss, and it’s OK to grieve that loss.”
 
She was right. I lost a lot with this change and it was OK to allow myself to feel that. As an emotional person, though, I know how important it is to be in touch with how I process my emotions. I also have to be gracious with myself; that’s hard for me and maybe for a lot of us. We’re so harsh on ourselves. When I realized I wasn’t adjusting as well as I thought I would, I beat myself up for it. I remember thinking, “Why does it seem like everyone else is getting along better and making friends faster? Why can’t I do that?” We’re all different though. We may all be experiencing this change together, but it won’t look the same. I told myself, “I’m not adjusting as quickly as I want to, but I will.”
 
Processing my emotions and learning to be gracious with myself are daily struggles. My mom uses this expression, “You can’t keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest.” You may have a lot of overwhelming thoughts, but don’t let them stay there. Being emotional is something that I’m still learning is a strength. I think comparison robbed me of that thought for a while. Now I see that it allows for honest empathy.
 
My sensitivity has allowed me to connect with others on deep levels. On a plane ride, complimenting a stranger’s shoes turned into a 2 ½ hour conversation. The elderly man was traveling back from his brother’s funeral and he told me all about his life. From the loss of his three children to mitochondrial myopathy, to his journey back to faith, we cried, laughed, and prayed. He thanked me for helping him grieve, but I was also grateful. Those are the type of experiences I live for; stopping to listen and care. His story further motivated me on my path towards medicine.
 
My medical school experience hasn’t fully matched what I had envisioned, but I know New York is where I’m meant to be in this season of my life. I hope to be a missionary doctor at some point. There are so many cultures and people in the world and I would love to serve them. If one day I’m a missionary doctor, I need to be OK with being far away from my support group and getting out of my comfort zone. I might have to cry through parts, but I’ll get through it because I never give up.

What are your 5 Most Recently Played Artists on Spotify? 
Aperitivo Time (playlist), Christian Pop (playlist), Long Rainstorm Sounds (I use that every night to sleep! Kind of whack, but it works), Of the Land, and Blsng

If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?
I think being able to speak and understand every language would be awesome! It would allow me to connect with more people!

Pick something or someone from NYMC to give a shout-out to!
Shout-out to my roommates, Alex and Riley, and my fellow M1s!

If someone wants to talk to you, they should lead with:
Literally anything, just please come talk to me!